


something called love

by cantstfuaboutsj



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst and Feels, Break Up, Domestic Boyfriends, Feelings Realization, M/M, Not Beta Read, a lil comedy and crack, author turning a kyuhyuk meltdown into a fic: specimen a, but mostly sad, frustrated!reader alert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 05:42:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantstfuaboutsj/pseuds/cantstfuaboutsj
Summary: One day before Hyukjae moves out, Kyuhyun finally begins to understand what they have is love.
Relationships: Cho Kyuhyun/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	something called love

**Author's Note:**

> Suju playlist for this fic: Moving On, 命运线(Destiny), 到了明天 (Blue Tomorrow), Daydream  
> Listen to Shindong's Don't Forget Me while reading for more pain mefeels
> 
> This fic was already an emotional mess, but then kyuhyun who went into hyukjae’s room and just /be/ there happened and this became even bigger of a mess. I’m glad i didnt finish this before that dropped. i didnt beta this bc /pain/, so all mistakes are mine alone!!
> 
> “You watched me until I fell asleep/Then hugged me without saying anything” hello??????? Anw enjoy the messy senseless pain fellas

When Kyuhyun’s alarm goes off this morning, he’s already busying himself in the kitchen with preparations for two bowls of janchi guksu — Hyukjae’s spontaneous request from the night before. He came close to saying no, the lingering bitterness in him not finding anything worth celebrating about the occasion. But one look at that bright, expectant smile on Hyukjae’s face and he gives in.

He intends to make the best janchi guksu anyone is capable of making. If nothing else, that’d be something for Hyukjae to miss and whine about living with him (Gods he’s petty about the weirdest of things, but that’s just the kind of person he is).

Kyuhyun scans the countertop, checking off a mental list of what he’s done preparing. Yeah, only the most important broth is left. He brings the ladle to his lips and takes a sip, brows drawing together at the odd taste on his tongue. He couldn’t have messed up somewhere, right? The gears in his head go into overdrive as he begins thinking about all the things that can go wrong today.

And  _ of course  _ Hyukjae has to appear then like a scripted skit, likely drawn to the aroma of food as he always is. Kyuhyun, so deep inside his own thoughts doesn’t hear the man come up to him, jolting in surprise when Hyukjae rests his head on his shoulders.

“Morning,” Kyuhyun says after a beat.

“Mornin’,” Hyukjae slurs, rubbing his eyes. His arms come around Kyuhyun’s waist, two grown men snuggling in a small kitchen on a Sunday morning. “You’re up early.”

“I told you I’d be nice to you on your last day here. I keep my promises, Hyukjae.” 

Kyuhyun’s tone is joking, but his words are true. Hyukjae knows that too, and that’s exactly why he doesn’t make a snarky remark in return. He just presses closer and nods at the pot, “You’re almost done, right? Lemme have a taste.”

Kyuhyun’s first reaction is a solid ’no, go brush your damned teeth first’, but he said what he said. He picks up a spoon and gathers the broth, making sure to blow at the steam before feeding it to Hyukjae. You can’t tell just from looking at him, but Kyuhyun’s biting down on the insides of his cheeks while he watches Hyukjae smack his lips.

“Hmmm. Wow, are you sure you made this broth?” And Kyuhyun’s heart doesn’t even have the time to drop before Hyukjae continues, “Kyu, you really outdid yourself!”

“...Really?” Because that’s the complete opposite of what Kyuhyun thinks.

Hyukjae gives him a dirty look. “Do I joke around when it comes to food, Kyu? Now c’mon already, I’m  _ starving _ .”

Kyuhyun sighs in mock exasperation and nudges Hyukjae to cease the wriggling he’s doing. “Go wash up. I’ll be done setting the table before you’re back.”

“’Kay~” Hyukjae turns and makes for the bathroom, but not before pecking Kyuhyun’s cheek in their routine good morning kisses. Oh, great.  _ Now  _ Kyuhyun feels the sting in his eyes and nose. It’s nine in the goddamned morning. He sniffles once Hyukjae is out of earshot and blinks the water (he refuses to call them tears) in his eyes away. What’s there to cry about when Hyukjae’s just moving into a new place with his family? It’s the same thing Kyuhyun has been telling himself everytime he feels like his chest is going to combust the past few weeks.

That, along with the reminder that they were never meant to be permanent in the first place. He’s just let himself grow too comfortable with their domesticity, and he has no one to blame but himself for that.

.

.

.

It had been a regular work day up to that point.

Kyuhyun reaches home around one in the morning, and is surprised to find Hyukjae seated on the couch staring into space with a blank expression. Anyone can see he’s tired and on the verge of knocking out. Kyuhyun is wary when he asks,

“Hyung, you’re still awake?”

Hyukjae’s head whips around to face him, and Kyuhyun is greeted with one of his favorite smiles in the world. “Oh, Kyuhyun-ah, welcome back! I have good news I wanted to share with you first, so I stayed up.”

“Yeah?” Kyuhyun laughs when Hyukjae yawns, wondering what it can possibly be that he’s so excited to share face-to-face rather than through a simple text. A new job offer he wishes to flaunt about, perhaps. He leans over Hyukjae’s head, a feat only possible due to his height, and revels in the way the other man’s gaze lingers on his lips. 

“So, what’s the big news?”

“Oh, right!” Hyukjae bounces on the cushion, grinning from ear to ear. “I found the dream house for my family!”

It doesn’t sink in at first, Kyuhyun’s smile mirroring Hyukjae’s own. The older man had been talking about wanting to find a comfortable home for his family for a long time. “Congratulations, hyung. When’s the move?”

“As soon as possible, preferably. I want to spend as much time as I can with my family—”

...Oh. Reality dawns upon Kyuhyun then.

Of course Hyukjae would be moving too. In fact, they’ve already had that conversation way back when he first moved back into the dorms—when Kyuhyun had even  _ wanted _ the hyung gone. Somewhere along the way, he’s just forgotten about that.

“—ice to have an extra pair of hands to help. Kyu? You listening?” Hyukjae uses a finger to tap Kyuhyun’s nose, and he straightens his back to smoothen his facial features before walking around the couch to sit next to Hyukjae, slinging a lazy arm across his shoulder. The perfect image of nonchalance.

“Sorry, just a little tired after work. If it’s help packing up you’re talking about, then there’s no need to ask at all. The answer’s a definite yes. You know that, right?”

Hyukjae beams, throwing his arms around Kyuhyun in a tight hug. “Still, it feels good to hear it from you. Thank you, Kyuhyun-ah.”

And just like that, their days of cohabitation are now suddenly numbered.

.

.

.

Frustrated at where his thoughts are heading, Kyuhyun puts extra effort in plating—something Hyukjae doesn’t even care about, for “good food is good food despite its appearances”. He’s short of breath by the time he scoops a spoonful of homemade sauce over the topping, completing the look. Well, at least it looks appealing, then. He snaps a photo because he doesn’t know what else to do, sharing it to Bubble with the caption “Last time cooking for the anchovy roommate~” as though he isn’t dying on the inside.

As expected, when Hyukjae returns, he gives Kyuhyun a glance seeking confirmation that  _ yes _ , it’s okay to start eating, and with the excitement of a child, hops onto his chair. He turns those eyes on Kyuhyun, “What are you waiting for, Kyu? Let’s eat.”

“...Mmm,” Kyuhyun manages, taking his seat across Hyukjae. They pick up their cutlery, say their thanks, and dig in. Breakfast is a little noisier than usual that morning, Hyukjae being generous with his praises and Kyuhyun telling him it’s fine if he just eats quietly. Hyukjae doesn’t stop with his multitasking, and Kyuhyun ends up scolding him when a broken string of noodle comes flying out of his mouth. The scene is ridiculous to see from a third person’s perspective, but at the very least, it’s the way things usually are around the dorm.

Just like that, Kyuhyun’s reminded once again that this domesticity is coming to an end, and the janchi guksu that’s only begun to seem digestible now feels like lead in his stomach. 

.

.

.

The question had been impromptu back then too. 

Kyuhyun and Hyukjae are talking on the phone, discussing the latter’s moving in when he asks,

“Kyu, do you know how to make janchi guksu?”

And Kyuhyun gives it a brief thought. “I’ve never tried, but it shouldn’t be too difficult with the recipe. Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious? We should have that to celebrate me moving in, right?”

The eye roll comes naturally even though they are talking on the phone. “No, I’d make that when you move back  _ out _ , cause that would be worth celebrating.”

Hyukjae scoffs, and Kyuhyun can almost see him with an expression that can’t be seen as stern, hand on his waist. “Ya, Cho Kyuhyun!”

Kyuhyun ends up learning it anyway, because he does enjoy being the one to put that huge grin on Hyukjae’s face. He just didn’t think what he said would come true—that he’d be making it again when Hyukjae is moving out. Only unlike his words from then, Kyuhyun can’t find a reason to celebrate this time.

.

.

.

“Kyu~”

Hyukjae knocks on his door barely an hour after breakfast, all dressed up and ready to head out. Kyuhyun, still in his pyjamas, glances at the clock, and back to Hyukjae.

“The movie’s not for another three hours.”

Hyukjae rolls his eyes, shooing Kyuhyun out of the way so he can enter the room. “Please, like I don’t know that. I just got ready early so I can loiter here till it’s time for us to head out.”

“Oh,” Kyuhyun says, dumbly. He barely reacts when Hyukjae throws himself into his bed, messing up the sheets he’d just made earlier. He really needs to get it together. “I was just planning on going through some of my parts in the album…”

“Mmm, yeah? Want my help?”

“Uh. Yeah, sure.”

_ This is stupid, _ Kyuhyun thinks when he sits next to Hyukjae on his own bed, a good distance apart.  _ Heck,  _ I’m _ being stupid. _ Are they a married couple going through a bad divorce or what? Before he can even move himself closer to Hyukjae—because he can and he will—said man shifts himself right into Kyuhyun’s space. Their bodies bump together in the most natural of ways, but Kyuhyun’s body is going through the most unnatural reactions, making him slant away until he finds a safe angle that allows him to breathe. 

In all honesty, he’s still not exactly sure what Hyukjae moving out means for them. The past year they’ve lived together in the dorms, they’ve never put a name to what they’ve come to share.

Not as boyfriends, not as lovers, nor are they two people together… A relationship of sorts, but not quite the same as that of a couple. They’re words that don’t seem to fit the thing that’s been going on between them. Perhaps there is a term for that, or perhaps no word ever will come close to describing what they have. They’re just two hearts that happened to be on the same wavelength at the same time, and found comfort in the other.

—At least, that’s how Kyuhyun sees it. He sneaks a glance at Hyukjae, wondering what on earth is going through his mind… and why he just can’t seem to come up straight and ask with the words he’s supposed to be good at using.

Something softly whispers to him from within. He’s just not sure if it’s from his mind or heart yet.

.

.

.

For Kyuhyun, the change began after a momentarily display of weakness on Hyukjae’s part after the filming of their first episode for SJ Returns 4. More specifically, the analysis members’ psychological test results that, while downplayed for the general audiences, was quite the thing they discussed in detail off-screen. It was simply not something they could’ve just brushed off after what they’d been through together.

In their shared van on the way back to the dorms, the two are chatting about everyday things when Hyukjae’s smile falters before it fades completely. He turns away the same time Kyuhyun leans forward in disbelief. “Hyung, are you  _ crying _ ?”

“Shaddup,” Hyukjae sniffles, catching Kyuhyun’s hand when he tries to get a closer look. “I’m having a moment here.”

Kyuhyun laces their fingers together, putting their joined hands on his lap as he bumps his shoulder against Hyukjae’s. “Mmm, okay. Want to talk about it?”

“It’s just our conversation earlier,” Hyukjae mumbles, squeezing his hand. “And I started thinking about how I’m glad Super Junior still exists after everything.”

“So just like normal?” Kyuhyun teases, content when Hyukjae scoffs at him.

“It’s called having emotions, Kyu. You should try it sometime.”

“I did, but I’m not a big fan of it. You and Teukie hyung are enough for all of us.”

“Gah!” Hyukjae buries his face in Kyuhyun’s neck, nuzzling against him like a child. “Just keep quiet and let me have my moment, Kyu.”

“Okay, hyung.”

And that quiet moment, while it may seem like nothing special, is  _ the  _ moment something changed between them. The change is small, hardly noticeable, but undeniably there. It grows slowly, steadily, silently and becomes the new norm. The flower is ready to bloom, to make its name known—there’s just no way to know if it can make it before the season changes.

.

.

.

As the two walk out of the theatre after finishing a rerun of Before Sunrise, Kyuhyun decides he will find time to watch Before Sunset and Before Midnight. There’s something awfully captivating about the film and the dynamic between Jesse and Céline that leaves him wanting more.

“It’s a trilogy, you know,” Hyukjae had whispered in his ear as the credits rolled, knowing what he’s thinking even without him saying it. The smug look he wears is more than a little annoying, so Kyuhyun moves the box of popcorn in his hand away when Hyukjae makes a move for it.

“Yah! The large box is meant for sharing!”

“And I  _ told _ you, I can finish it on my own.” Kyuhyun punctuates each syllable with a crunch of popcorn that makes Hyukjae pout. He tries to spoil what happens in the next two films, but a look from Kyuhyun makes him close his mouth. 

Though, Kyuhyun supposes Jesse and Céline have a happy ending. Hyukjae isn’t fond of things that are sad, after all. Since he’s the kind of person who’s kind to a fault.  _ Ah _ . Kyuhyun remembers he’s supposed to be nice today, and all but shoves the box of popcorn in Hyukjae’s face. “Mmm,” he nods in affirmation when Hyukjae eyes the offering dubiously.

They walk in comfortable silence, Hyukjae focused on snacking, Kyuhyun’s mind swirling with different thoughts. He hates not having answers to the questions he  _ knows  _ he can get answered. After countless attempts at getting the words out and gnawing on his lips, Kyuhyun finally says,

“Hyung. Let’s talk over ramyeon back home?”

_ Home, huh. Guess it won’t be hyung’s for much longer, though.  _ Kyuhyun ignores the odd twinge in his heart.

And oblivious to his inner turmoil, Hyukjae licks the taste of popcorn off his fingers and answers easily, “Ramyeon? Sounds good~”

.

.

.

The last time they went to watch a movie together was relatively long ago. It was after their final SS8 concert, Kyuhyun remembers, and before the pandemic situation got out of hand. What’s memorable about that particular day isn’t the movie itself, but rather what happened afterward. 

Being recognised by fans outside isn’t something uncommon, and at worst an inconvenience on most occasions. However, depending on whether you’re hearing the story from Kyuhyun or Hyukjae, their experience with a certain young fan may differ greatly.

The little girl makes herself known in the parking lot, when Kyuhyun is waiting for Hyukjae to finish his business in the bathroom. Her voice is high-pitched when she calls out, “Kyuuu!”, not unlike the way her shoes squeak with every step. He only reacts because he can see her and the evident excitement painted all over her face. Well, also the fact that someone he assumes to be her mother is pushing a baby stroller while yelling  _ Nina  _ (they only find out later that  _ niña _ is, in fact, most likely not her name) from a fair distance away.

Kyuhyun really rather not have any accident happen under his watch. He has his body bent forward, ready to catch Nina should she stumble with how fast she’s going despite her small steps. She ends up crashing against his leg, tiny arms wrapping around it like a bolster. He looks down to her grinning up at him sweetly. It’s easy to tell from a glance that she isn’t a local. She rises on her toes with spread arms in the universal demand of a  _ carry me. _

Not knowing what else he can do, he picks her up, catching the eye of her mother and giving her a reassuring nod that he’s not going to do anything. Nina takes him by the ear, forcing his attention on her.

“Kyu~” she repeats, and giggles when he makes a face that he’s unwilling to describe in words.

Hyukjae returns when Kyuhyun finishes leaving his signature on Nina’s cap at the request of her mother through a series of gestures, as he cannot speak Spanish, nor her Korean. He looks between them, eyes taking in the situation, and nods when he seems to come to an understanding.

“Here you go~” Kyuhyun puts the cap back on Nina’s head and returns the marker to her mother. Nina pulls it off again immediately and stares at the signature left on her cap. Then she looks back to Kyuhyun, raises the cap with a look he swears is pure evil, and slaps it against his face. Repeatedly. 

“Ack!” Kyuhyun lifts his hands to act as a shield for his face while he takes a large step away from mother and daughter. “Time out Nina, time out!” 

The mother hurries to yank the cap away, but not before they hear the snap of a camera—of course, it’s Lee Hyukjae. Who’s doubled over with laughter in sheer joy.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun half whines with a glare at Hyukjae, rubbing at his cheeks that took a few good hits. Nina’s mother bows repeatedly, firing words of what can only be apologies.

“It’s fine,” Hyukjae reassures her with a casual wave and that charming smile. “Kyu could use some beating from someone younger for once anyway.”

“ _ Hyung! _ ” This time round, it is without a doubt, a whine. The only good thing that comes out of the little incident is Hyukjae babying him for the rest of the day, though Kyuhyun has no intentions of admitting that ever.

.

.

.

Back at the dorm, Hyukjae takes on the role of the chef for the night. “If it’s ramyeon, it must be ramyeon made by Lee Hyukjae!”, so he proclaims. Like most other things this day so far, Kyuhyun does as Hyukjae wishes. He doesn’t even hover around the kitchen the way he usually does, instead entrusting the kitchen to his dorm mate while he just relaxes on the couch and enjoys the moment.

The man’s not wrong anyway; he  _ does  _ make good ramyeon… even if it’s not exactly something to be that proud about, Kyuhyun supposes. It’s just good enough for him.

As he thinks and thinks about countless things, Kyuhyun somehow manages to doze off in the ten minutes it takes to cook ramyeon, and is shocked back to the world of the living by Hyukjae’s breath in his ear. “Kyu, wake up. Food’s ready~”

Kyuhyun’s eyes widen when he realises how close they are, and in his panic to sit up their foreheads bump into each other. Loudly.

“Ow,” they both groan at the same time.

“Sorry,” Kyuhyun mumbles, rubbing the area that’s throbbing in pain. Their gazes collide, and he realises this may very well be the first time he’s made eye contact with Hyukjae throughout the entire day. And looking into his eyes now, Kyuhyun remembers why.

It’s like Hyukjae is staring into his very soul, seeing all that Kyuhyun is trying to hide—and that’s not something he wants right now, when even he himself is unsure of what he’s trying to hide. So when Hyukjae leans in with that searching gaze, “Kyu, you okay?”, he squeezes his eyes shut and twists his head away.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun lies.  _ Don’t ask again,  _ he prays in his mind, because he’s not the type to tell the same lie a second time. Because he knows Hyukjae is exactly the kind of person who will ask again. 

And he does, a hand stroking his hair down to his cheek, “You sure?”

_ Dammit.  _

Kyuhyun grabs onto Hyukjae’s wrist and squeezes tight. “I don’t know,” Kyuhyun blurts out. “I can’t pinpoint  _ what’s _ wrong, hyung, and I hate it.”

“And that’s okay,” Hyukjae murmurs as if he anticipated Kyuhyun’s answer, then gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Maybe you’ll find out later that nothing’s wrong, after all.”

There’s so much more to what he said than Kyuhyun can comprehend at present, but Hyukjae doesn’t seem to have any intentions of letting him dwell on his words. When he leans in this time, Kyuhyun does the same, their lips meeting for the first and what will likely be the last time. 

It’s odd, how the simple act of two pairs of lips touching so softly can make him feel so much all at once. What stands out most to him is Hyukjae’s careful gentleness, as though Kyuhyun is something delicate… something dear. And in that moment when they’re connected, he is. 

The ramyeon is forgotten for a while, the noodles gone soggy by the time they take their first bite. The night is still young by the time they’re done cleaning up, but they seem to share the same preference for moving to Hyukjae’s room and simply laying on his bed. Kyuhyun’s head rests on Hyukjae’s arm, his arm and leg locking their bodies together, both of them huddled close like two people on a cold winter night seeking warmth.

Kyuhyun loses the concept of time in Hyukjae’s embrace. He tries hard not to fall for the hypnosis of the clock ticking in tune with their every breath, but his lids grow heavy, heavier, until all there is darkness and a persistent hum that fails to pull him back into consciousness.

.

.

.

The flower blooms overnight in the dream Kyuhyun has, where Hyukjae presses a soft kiss to his forehead before sunrise and whispers  _ goodbye. _

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds his arms tightly wrapped around his plush penguin, Hyukjae nowhere to be found. A look at his phone and he realises it’s not the morning after all, the digital clock reading 14:16. His smile comes unwarranted, and after staring at a blank spot on the ceiling for a moment, he goes about his daily routine.

The silence of the afternoon, while a standard in the dorms considering the busy men that reside within it, feels a little colder today. Kyuhyun grabs frozen leftovers from the freezer and microwaves them for lunch. While he sits alone at the dining table, it finally hits him that he’s just experienced a breakup in the most impalpable sense of the word.

That realisation bursts the dam right open, answers to questions he never knew he had flooding into his mind, body and soul. All that’s been building up over the years, the slow dance they’ve shared during their time under the same roof—they’re things that Kyuhyun had been doing with someone he’s been falling in love with. Someone he  _ has  _ fallen in love with.

What has ended between then is not simply the cohabitation itself, but something that could’ve been born from it. Something that has now birthed from it. He presses a fist against his chest, over his heart that’s beating wildly at the thought of someone no longer here. His next breath comes unsteadily, his words spoken for none to hear.

“It’s a little too late for this, don’t you think…?”

He feels his heart constrict in agreement, and the bark of laughter that comes out from his mouth is pitiful at best. Oh, to only learn of the thing called love upon losing it.  _ This is so sad. _

“Alexa, play Moving On by Kyuhyun.”

.

.

.

**Epilogue: KYUHYUN Bubble**

“Starting today, Cho Kyuhyun and Lee Hyukjae are officially back to living apart!”

“Why do you make it sound like we broke up~

It’s not like we won’t see each other again^^”

“Yeah, the dorm is back to being quiet on most days~”

“Who knows, he might just drop by tonight for my cooking

Kkkkk”

“A message for Eunhyuk hyung? Hmm…

Eunhyuk hyung~ I, who was there for you, will no longer be by your side so you have to be strong, okay~ I’ll be strong too, so let’s keep doing our best together!!”

**Author's Note:**

> “Now that you’re no longer by my side, I realised what we had was love.”
> 
> -
> 
> SORRY FOR THE CRACK AT THE END THERE I COULDNT HELP MEMEKYU  
> These two mfs made me sad the entire day I couldn’t even get hype over the house party teaser and everything that came out after so I’d really appreciate any kudos and comments!! See you at the house party


End file.
